cruorcrave
Name: Ferrum
Age: 18
Pronouns: He/Him/His
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Description, Warning and DNI
Cruorcrave is an anonymous blog in which I use art and writing to document my recovery. I have severe depression and an unknown condition in which I crave my own blood and flesh, which I refer to as autovampirism or autocannibalism. I do not support this, am not proud of this, and am in recovery to fight these urges and thoughts. This page is dedicated to healing and self improvement, not worsening my mental state.
As such, my blog contains themes surrounding self harm, blood, and autovampirism/autocannibalism. I will never post photos of my self harm or my blood, but I do create drawings that often includes these concepts. Trigger warnings are included on individual posts and more disturbing content is put under a keep reading line.
Please do not interact if you actively support/push people to engage in self harm and other self destructive behaviours. Again, this blog is in the name of recovery.
If you are pro-self harm/anti-recovery, block me.
If you think you know me or know that you know me in real life, please do not interact. This is a healthy outlet for me and I take comfort in knowing that it is somewhat anonymous.
If you are an irl gore/self harm gore blog, block me. If you post self harm or gore photos with a warning and put it under a keep reading line, you're fine.
Basic DNI criteria also apply, i.e. transphobes, homophobes, racists, antisemites, radqueers, transmeds, nazis, assholes, fuckwits
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FAQ/101 on my autovampirism/autocannibalism:
1. When did this start? What caused it?
I've had a fascination with blood my entire life. As a kid it was completely normal; my mother has a career that centres around the dead and so it was always just a part of life to me. I didn't have any disturbing symptoms at all; drew some bloody stuff and liked violent cartoons but that isn't necessarily a cause for concern. I don't actually remember when I started having urges to consume my own blood but I ignored it for a long time, until about mid 2024 when I finally acknowledged it to myself. It was late 2024 when it started getting impossible to ignore. I began consuming my own blood in early November 2024. I do not know what caused this to happen, however 2024 was an extremely stressful and mentally challenging year for me and I believe that is partially to blame.2. Do you genuinely believe you're a vampire?
The short answer is no. The long answer is that I've struggled a lot with coming to terms with what's happening with me and am still trying to accept that it's most likely just mental illness rather than anything supernatural.3. Are you otherkin/alterhuman? Do you wish you were a vampire?
No. I am a human, and I want to be a human. Fantasy vampires are a really cool concept that I've always loved but I want it to stay that way: as a cool fantasy concept.4. Do you want to consume other's blood or flesh?
No. I have no interest in consuming other people's blood or flesh, and if I ever did, I would immediately check myself in somewhere.6. Why do you call yourself an "autovampire" or an "autocannibal" if you don't want to be a vampire/cannibal/don't like what's happening with you?
There are two main reasons. The first is that it's a simpler term. It's a lot more succinct to say "I'm a recovering autovampire/autocannibal" than "I'm a person recovering from a condition in which I crave my own blood and regularly consume it." The second is that it's a pretty effective form of prevention. Referring to myself as an autovampire/autocannibal makes me feel ashamed and as though this isn't something I can ignore but must face head-on until the label no longer fits.7. I looked up autovampirism and google says it means consuming blood for sexual gratification. Is that true?
For some, I'm sure. For me, not at all. Consuming blood in my experience calms me down similar to something like a depressant (i.e. alcohol) however the trade-off is that I must harm myself to access the blood and also that I feel extremely disgusted and guilty any time I do this. There are minimal studies done on self harm in relation to consuming blood and so it seems that many people use the term autovampirism to refer to blood/vampire kinks. That isn't me though.8. I notice you like media such as NBC Hannibal, Ravenous (1999), and The Lost Boys. Did you become this way because of them? Do you actually just want to be a vampire/cannibal?
No, I don't, and I really, really doubt those movies "made me this way". I saw The Lost Boys (classic 80s vampire movie) sometime around 2015 and I loved it. I saw Hannibal (show about a cannibal) for the first time in 2022 and I loved it. I saw Ravenous (movie about wendigos/cannibals) in 2024 and I loved it. Basically, I've loved vampires and wendigos and scary maneaters since I was a kid. I’ve always found those stories interesting, but not to the point where I would consistently severely harm myself because of that interest. I would not do what I'm doing to myself for the sake of it being "cool" or "like a vampire". If anything, my current condition has actually made engaging with this media somewhat harder because it makes me uncomfortable seeing the similarities between myself and the characters in them. If I were proud of my current state, I'd be celebrating it rather than condemning it. I want to be as clear as possible when I say I am not having fun, I am not enjoying this, and I am suffering. I genuinely, wholeheartedly want to stop having these desires and to stop what is happening. I want to stop wanting to do this to myself.